I am on a drug; it's called Charlie Sheen

In a promo released Sunday night by ABC News, Charlie Sheen told “20/20” “I am on a drug; it’s called Charlie Sheen.”

When I heard this quote, I too was forced to admit that “I am on a drug; it’s called Charlie Sheen.”

Ever since I was young, I wanted to be Charlie Sheen.  Maybe not switch spots with him at the age of 11, but he was who I wanted to become.  It seemed like every role he played was the badass rebel who took crap from nobody and was barely in control of himself (and, by extension, his awesomeness), just enough to save the day.  He was even able to carry this role across genres, from comedy spoofs to action and drama films.  Even when he wasn’t playing the rebel-without-a-cause, he was still the guy who was doing what you wanted to be doing, or what you would be doing, whether it be clawing your way to the top of the corporate ladder or stopping the invading commie horde.  In fact, when I was in the 7^th and 8^th grades, one of the ways in which we could do book reports was to pitch the book as a movie, and write about the movie that would be made.  Invariably, I would choose books that had strong male leads, and Charlie Sheen was always who I would put in that role.  I suppose, in my mind, I was casting my (then ideal) future self in these roles, and Charlie Sheen was that future self.  One of the big factors was probably complexion and hair color; I could never see myself as a Patrick Swayze or Val Kilmer (believe it or not, Val Kilmer was popular at one point in time).  Anyways, from that point on, I was on a drug; it’s called Charlie Sheen.  And that drug wasn’t the-cut-with-oregano-or-baking-soda (or whatever it is they use to cut drugs) product that is Spin City or Two and a Half Men; no, I was a junkie for the uncut in-your-face awesomeness of Major League, Red Dawn, Hot Shots, Navy SEALs, and all the rest.

On a side note, Sheen also referred to his alleged 36-hour cocaine bender with porn actresses last month as “epic behavior.”  Epic.  Just epic.  Even describing it as such is pretty epic.  At some point in time, porn stars transformed from amoral tramps worthy of only scorn and derision into slightly laughable yet somehow desirable dinner/evening/36-hour-cocaine-binge companions.  And the agent of change?  None other than Charlie Sheen!

And so, partly in tribute to the greatness of Charlie Sheen, partly in tribute to the awesomeness of the quote (Come on, referring to yourself as a drug?  Vintage Charlie Sheen!), and partly because tongue-in-cheek humor will be a little distasteful after he kills himself with a drug overdose, I present to you a selection of must-see kick-ass Charlie Sheen movies:

Red Dawn

Come on, you know you want to start your movie career off as a teenage commie killer who, with a small band of buddies (WOLVERINES!!!!!!!!!!), is responsible for stopping the invading Soviets in their tracks!!

Platoon

 

Shoot my crooked Sergeant and get shipped home from the war?  Do I dare live the American dream?

Wall Street

Greed.  It's good.  Scientific fact.  Plus, how awesome is it that Charlie Sheen got his dad the role as *spoiler alert* his dad in this film?  

 

 Young Guns

 So this movie is pretty awesome, and it's not just because Lou Diamond Phillips is a peyote-popping injun.  No, Charlie Sheen and his brosef, Emilio Estevez, take the wild west by storm, with a little help from Jack Bauer. . .err, Keifer Sutherland.  It loses a significant awesomeness quotient when Sheen's character is killed halfway through and Estevez's character is allowed to live, but if the opposite would mean Sheen would have to star in the Mighty Ducks franchise, then I'll take it.

Navy SEALs

Michael Biehn takes a break from running away from Terminators long enough to help Charlie Sheen kick some Mideast terrorist ass! 

 

Hot Shots / Hot Shots part deux

This was the genre spoof before it became all cliched (think just how much Scary Movie sucks because you know it's just going to make fun of every scary movie that has been released since the last).  It also contains one of the absolutely funniest scenes to be included in a major motion picture release (please make sure to see Apocalypse Now and Wall Street if you don't find this funny):

And saving the best for last:

Major League and Major League II

"The Wild Thing" Ricky Vaughn.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, get off the computer *NOW* and go find these movies.  If Charlie Sheen kicking your ass with a 101 mph fastball ("Give 'em the heater, Ricky!") isn't awesome enough, let's have him do it after Joan Jett sings Wild Thing.  I can't believe there supposedly is another one of these in the works!!

I, too, am on a drug; it's called Charlie Sheen.  Now get some porn stars and pass the cocaine!!!