Dr. Strangelove, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Smoke a Chicken

Well, last week we learned how to properly grill, but now I wanted to take a little time to show just how delicious you can make something if you have a few hours to kill.  Shop n Save had whole chickens for 78 cents/lb, so that gave me someplace to start.  For those of you with very rudimentary culinary knowledge, a whole chicken is, well, pretty much the whole chicken, minus the head, feet, and feathers:

One Whole Friggin' Chicken

I got two whole chickens (around 3-4 lbs each), cut them in half (making four chicken halves!), and brined them overnight in a mixture of water, salt, brown sugar, and a pinch of cumin.  I found out about brining poultry from BAM! watching Emeril, and I do it every time I cook a turkey for Thanksgiving because it makes the bird moist and juicy.

After brining the chicken overnight, I assembled my ingredients:

My ingredients assembled, ready to do battle

I'm sure that you are familiar with salt, pepper, vegetable oil, cider vinegar, wood chips, and beer.  You are probably also familiar with chipotle peppers, since they're currently in every dish in every casual dining restaurant across the nation, but you may not be familiar with achiote paste:

You may notice this picture says "annatto paste" because we're looking at the English side

Mayan in origin, achiote paste is a spice blend from the Yucatan in Mexico.  One of the key ingredients is annatto seeds.  I love it because it imparts a very earthy flavor onto meats, as well as turning everything red.  If you feel that the food you eat isn't red enough, try to find achiote paste.

For this particular recipe, I made a chipotle-achiote marinade for my chicken.  I used the entire 100g container of achiote, 4 chipotle peppers and all of the adobo sauce that the chipotle peppers came with, around 1/4 cup of oil, and about 3/4 cup of water.  I blended this sauce up:

Make sure to blend it well so you don't have too big of chunks

Drained the brined chicken pieces and patted them dry with paper towels, and marinated with the sauce:

I said it was red!

While that marinates, soak your wood chips and fire up the smoker:

I got this bad boy for $4 at an estate sale.

While marinating, I also made a mopping sauce to use while the chicken smokes.  The mopping sauce is 1 cup of cider vinegar, 1/2 cup of beer (the rest is for you!), 1/2 cup of the reserved achiote marinade, and salt & pepper, all whisked together.  Also, instead of using a mop or a brush, I took the lazy way out and used a squirt bottle:

 Almost ready to cook!

And so finally, at long last, we are ready to put meat on the grill!  My chicken was a little crowded, but it still worked out well:

 Time to make it smoky and delicious!



Make sure to put your wood chips on the fire, and don't forget to use your mopping sauce!

Mop, mop, mop, all day long!  Mop, mop, mop, while I sing this song!

When smoking, make sure not to lift the lid too often, because you lose a lot of heat, and it sets the cooking time back a lot.  The object of smoking is low and slow, so make sure not to have a rip-roaring fire, either!  (Perhaps I'll do a smoking tutorial sometime in the future)

The length of time it takes for the chicken finish cooking will depend on how hot your fire is, as well as how many times you open it up.  For chicken and other poultry, you'll need to cook it all the way through; the easiest way to make sure it's done is with a meat thermometer.  Hopefully your bird(s) will look something like this:

I told you it was friggin' red!

To serve, you could cut it up into individual pieces or serve the whole halves (depending on how hungry you are), but I found it pretty convenient to cut it in half, leaving a portion of the breast meat on the bottom (thigh and drum) half:

Much Deliciousness!

Viola!

Why is The White House white, or Are Canadians Full of BS?

A few days ago, when I wrote about the clueless Mexican journalist, I received much feedback, mostly from people incredulous that someone so clueless could find himself in such a position to let the world know how ignorant he is.  Of course, I suppose the Mexican journalist could have thought that displaying his willingness to proffer moronic assessments of the situation could net him a job here in the states. . .and I guess it’s marginally better (albeit less exciting) than throwing a shoe.  I’m also pretty disappointed in myself in that it took me two days to realize that a shoe-throwing joke would have been the way to go!  But perhaps the most interesting (for lack of a better word) reply was from a Canadian, who suggested that as a Canadian, she was perturbed by the fact that Americans are constantly making false assumptions and incorrect statements about Canadians, and so because of that, no American (not one!) had room to talk regarding the ignorance of others.  She then went on to mention that because the White House was burned down in the War of 1812 and was then painted white to cover up the scorch marks, we (Americans) owe it to our neighbors of the North (Canadians, duh!) for the fact that the White House is white.

Well, first off, what if I don’t like the fact that the White House is white?  What then, Canuck?  Should I hold you accountable for the fact that it’s not the Red House, or perhaps the Mauve House?  And does it being white make a difference?  Would Jimmy Carter have been any more ineffective of a President if he lived in the Pink House (actually, that might have been the only way for that to happen), or would Richard Nixon have been any less crooked residing in the (wait for it) Checkered House?  Whatever, Canada, I’ll be thankful to you for other real contributions you’ve made – like Pamela Anderson, Bryan Adams, and curling.  Oh wait, never mind.  . .Hayden Christensen?  NOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Ok, so now we know, Canada, that I’m not particularly thankful for the White House being white. . .but are you still responsible for it?  Well, do you think I would have gone through the trouble of writing this post if the answer was anything other than no???

It turns out that when the initial construction was finished, the porous sandstone walls were sealed with a mixture of lime, rice glue, casein, and lead, which was (surprise!) white in color.  As the White House was originally constructed from 1792 – 1800, it seems that the white color actually predates the war (and the fire) by 12 (and 14) years!  It is true that it was repainted white after the reconstruction was finished following the war, but let’s face it, that’s just grasping at straws.  Are you not going to repaint your house after a fire?

So if it was white years before the war, how about the name?  Maybe they just started calling a house that had been white for 14 years “The White House” after burning it down and rebuilding it.  You know, to make it more fireproof in case the British come back.  Actually, there are a few recorded instances of the building being referred to as “The White House” before 1814.  For example, in the spring of 1811, British minister to the US Francis James Jackson wrote that his successor would “act as a sort of political conductor to attract the lightning that may issue from the clouds round the Capitol and the White House at Washington.”  Also, on March 18, 1812, a Massachusetts congressman wrote, “There is much trouble at the White House, as we call it, I mean the President’s.”

In fact, the President’s residence didn’t officially become “The White House” until 1901 when Theodore Roosevelt had “White House – Washington” engraved on Presidential stationery.  Prior to that, the term “Executive Mansion” was used officially, as seen on this copy of Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address: 

So, Canada, it looks like people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.  I really don’t care that you just believe any ‘ol myth that strokes your Canadian ego, but I found it exceedingly hilarious for you to pontificate on how ill-informed (all!) Americans are and then toss up a big fat hanging curve like that.  What really strikes me as funny is that there are several things that Canada has gotten the shaft on, like Bryan Adams and Celine Dion.  Also, it seems that (at least here in the US) the extent to which Canadian forces were involved in D-Day (the invasion of Normandy, June 6, 1944) has largely been forgotten.  73,000 US troops landed on D-Day, and (if you’re not Canadian) you might be surprised to find out that 21,500 Canadians took part in the invasion.  Spread the news about that!

But don’t worry, Canada.  According to the US Articles of Confederation (specifically, Article XI), Canada is pre-approved for admission to the Union!  It’s not too late; you can still join the madness. . .

Mexican Journalist Solves Gun Problem, Ends Drug Wars

As followers of The Billy Blog know (or will soon find out), we here at The Billy Blog take our Second Amendment rights very seriously.  Lately, with all of the drug gang wars and killings in Mexico and even in the US, there has been a lot of attention paid to the possibility of guns purchased in the US serving as a catalyst for these gang wars. (click here for some interesting news on how "Project Gunrunner" is turning into some scandalously bad publicity for the ATF; The Billy Blog will doubtlessly be studying this in more detail in in the future)

Well, it seems that some studious Mexican journalist has stumbled upon the solution to all of our problems - in a joint butt-kissing appearance by US President Barack Obama and Mexican President Felipe Calderon, one Mexican journalist asked Obama why he doesn't just veto the Second Amendment.  Really.  It really happened:

I'd figure someone of this caliber would work for a major US media outlet.

Yes, Mr. Mexican Journalist., the President will just veto the Second Amendment.  While he's at it, that whole "right against self-incrimination" is pretty annoying too, so let's veto the Fifth.  I'm also tired of not having slaves.  Bye-bye, Thirteenth Amendment!  And here I thought that most American journalists were horrendously ignorant with uninformed opinions on important topics.  I guess it's comforting to see that it's not just an American thing, but I honestly don't know what's worse - that someone could ask this question in a setting like this, or that this guy didn't get laughed offstage - even by Obama!

Really, what the hell was this guy thinking???

A Tribute to the Greatest Song in the World

So it's a lazy Sunday, and after the response I received from my grilling tutorial, I think I'll probably spend some time out on the smoker today.  In the meantime, that means another lazy Sunday post!

One of my favorite bands is Tenacious D.  I love their musical talent, I totally get their humor, and I love the "we're rock stars and so we're gonna act like it, regardless of whether or not you think we're really rock stars" attitude.  As further proof of their awesomeness, they even have a movie about themselves - it's definitely something of a biopic, although I'm pretty sure there are a few fictional exploits in the movie.

Of course, the move is Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny, and I highly recommend it.  I think it loses a little bit of steam in the middle when JB runs into Sasquatch, but I'm pretty sure that my brother really likes that part, so I guess it depends on your point of view.  It is definitely a high point in modern cinema.  I'm also waiting to see this poster on the inside of my local Pasta House restaurant:

(for those of you who don't know, the Pasta House is an Italian chain restaurant that has Italian posters of classic American movies decorating the interior)

In The Pick of Destiny, Tenacious D has a rock-off with Satan, which is somewhat of a recurring theme for them.  What I'm referring to, of course, is Tenacious D's song Tribute, in which they are ordered to "play the best song in the world," and, being Tenacious D, they proceed to play the best song in the world to defeat the demon.  The song Tribute, however, is not the greatest song in the world; it is just a tribute to the greatest song in the world!

Such is the humor of Tenacious D; they never truly reveal the identity of the best song in the world, but they sing an entire song about singing the greatest song in the world.  I am especially fond of Jack Black's quote, "and the peculiar thing is this, my friends, the song we sang on that fateful night, it didn't actually sound anything like this song!

And this is where you come in - what song do you think they played for the shiny demon in the middle of the road?  What song do you think is worthy of the title of "the best song in the world," or has the power of rock enough to send Satan packing?

I think Tenacious D may favor Zeppelin, judging from one of their HBO specials (warning - strong language is in this video!); if you want to get straight to the song, it starts at 4:50, but I like their assorted humor.

I actually like this version of Tribute better, although it does remove some of the mystique when Kyle starts playing the Stairway to Heaven intro midway through the song.  I still love the way, though, that Tenacious D is able to combine one of my favorite songs of theirs with one of the most popular rock songs ever.

I guess they really are rock stars after all!

Perfect Grilling, Every Time

I know it's only March, and the summertime days are still a bit off, you'll still want to be ready when it's time to grill!  How often have you gone to a friend's house for a little backyard get-together, only to be served a piece of charcoal drenched in barbecue sauce?  Worse yet, how often have you been that guy (or girl!) serving your friends the charred something-or-other because you don't know how to grill properly?  Well, worry no more; I'm here to help you out.

First things first - cooking on the grill is like any other talent or hobby - the more you do it, the better you'll get, so practice, practice, practice.  Any good chef tests his recipes out before trying them on company; you should do the same with your cooking technique.

Second - all across the US, "grilling" and "barbecue" are used synonymously - this is not the case!!!  "Grilling" is what I do most often, because it is quicker and requires less effort - it involves a fast grill (hot) and short cooking times.  "Barbecue" is much more involved, and takes a lot longer.  Meats will be cooked or smoked for several hours over a low heat in a true barbecue.

Third - I almost exclusively use a propane grill for grilling.  I recognize and readily admit that charcoal gives a much more flavorful end product, but I am a lazy bastard, and so the convenience of propane wins out.  I do have a charcoal grill that I use on occasion, but it's hard to beat pressing a button and throwing the meat on the grill 5 minutes later.

And so away we go!

For this demonstration, I will be cooking boneless/skinless chicken breasts.  Very convenient, they require little preparation for the grill, and can be purchased for $1.87 a pound at our local Sam's Club.  I suppose that in later blogs, I can show you the fancy, but for this one, chicken will have to do.  Since boneless/skinless chicken has no bone and very little fat, you might want to use a rub or marinade.  In a pinch, I'll use the commercial marinades, but here I used my own rub mix - mostly paprika, cayenne, salt, pepper, garlic powder, etc.

rubbed chicken in a bag

You don't necessarily have to let the rub sit on it for a while before cooking; I just have these in a bag because I also pounded them to an even thickness (another good grilling tip).  I recommend pulling the meat out of the refrigerator for 10 or 15 minutes before throwing it on the grill, but if you're scared of bacteria growth, you can pass on that.

Get your grill good and hot, and make sure to scrape any old leftover bits off.  You must have a clean grill grate!  Once you've let your grill warm up properly, you need to oil it.  I find that the best way to do this is to fold up a paper towel, dip it in a little vegetable oil, and use tongs to wipe the oiled paper towel across the grate, but since we've established that I'm a lazy bastard, here's an easier method:

 too lazy for my own good

Use non-stick cooking spray.  Of course, it will flare up if you use waaaaaaay too much or spray the flame directly, so do it right!

Now that you've got a hot grill properly lubed (did I say 'girl' or 'grill'?), it's time to put the meat on it.  (again, did I say 'girl' or 'grill'?)  You'll start presentation side down (for these chicken breasts, it means top-side down).  I recommend doing it diagonally, too:

Why diagonally?  When we grill, we grill to impress!  How do we impress?  Well, after a suitable interval (which is why you practice - you'll need to find the hot spots on your own grill so you can adjust times accordingly), approximately 3-5 minutes, you'll rotate them 90 degrees:

And then you'll let them cook for a few minutes more.  I recommend drinking a beer while grilling to help you kill time as well as keeping you cool and refreshed while standing at the grill, but whatever you do, DON'T PLAY WITH THE MEAT!!  (at least not in public)  A lot of people flip and rotate and check way too often because they are scared of serving charcoal, but you need to let your tools do their job properly.  If you have a high grill and you let that hot grill cook properly, when you flip the meat over after those few minutes, hopefully it looks something like this:

I know you're jealous!

This is why we start presentation side down; hopefully you have good crosshatch marks that will impress your girlfriend.  If you don't, though, there is still time for recovery mode - depending on how bad the top looks, you can try to sear it again, or if it must be abandoned, you can try to get good marks on the bottom.  Keep in mind, though, that you won't be able to cook the second side for as long as the first without overcooking the chicken!

If your presentation side does look good, then you are on the downhill slide.  Make sure to cook the chicken for another 5-7 minutes (or until cooked through!) on the other side; you can give it grill marks if you'd like, you can move it around a bit, just be careful not to let it char up!  At this point, you can also lower the heat and allow it to finish more slowly.  Once the chicken is done, pull it and let it rest for a few minutes under foil:

 I realize that the chicken isn't under foil in this picture, but did you really want a picture of aluminum foil?

After resting (it allows the juices to redistribute; if you cut into meat right off the grill, all your juices will wind up on your cutting board), feel free to cut or serve!

Juicy, delicious, nutritious, AND properly cooked!

Red Rooster Sauce of Death

And now for a lighter post, let's talk deliciousness -

Sriracha.

Sriracha, you say?  What the heck is sriracha?  Perhaps you know it better as rooster sauce, or cock sauce (not that kind of cock sauce!) because of the picture on the bottle:

Actually, if you didn't recognize the name "sriracha," there is a good possibility you know this sauce as the "red rooster sauce of death."  In fact, I'm pretty sure that's what the Thai writing on the side of the bottle says.

I'm a huge fan of spicy foods, and something that goes hand-in-hand with spicy foods is hot sauce.  Needless to say, my cabinet overrunneth with hot sauces of all varieties and ethnicities.  I have a few favorites, but for the overall combination of taste, heat, versatility, and cost, Huy Fong Foods Sriracha could be considered #1.

Sriracha is named for the coastal city of (wait for it) Si Racha, in central Thailand. It is a paste of chili peppers, distilled vinegar, garlic, sugar, and salt (I'm sure there is some kind of addictive drug in there, but it's not listed on the label).  In Thailand, it is commonly used for a dipping sauce, usually with seafood, and it is often used to accompany Vietnamese pho.

I first noticed this badboy awhile ago when I was served sushi topped with it.  I noticed the slow burn it imparted, which impressed me because I'm used to hot foods, so something has to be pretty spicy to catch my attention.  I saw the bottle at the sushi station, mentally cataloged it, and just so happened to run into it at the international food store a few days later.  It came in two sizes - 17 oz. for $2.49, or 28 oz. for $2.99.  Eleven more ounces for only 50 cents???  What a deal!!!  So, of course, I got the big bottle, and now I put it on an alarmingly wide variety of foods.  Naturally, I sprinkle it on most Asian foods I make (especially stir fry!), and, since hot sauces go so well with eggs, that's a perfect fit.  I also put it on salads - it turns thousand island dressing from OK to *FANTASTIC*!  I've used it to marinate (one hell of a spicy) chicken breast, dip cheese sticks, onion rings, and french fries in it, and to add a kick to my buffalo wings and chili.  It's also a great diet aid, because it only has 5 calories per teaspoon.  What's up now, butter?  I've found a new topping for steamed veggies, too!

In case you don't believe me

So really, if you like any kind of spicy food at all, go and get a bottle of this.  It might be a little more expensive in your local supermarket (I'm pretty sure the international food store near me makes no profit whatsoever), but it is totally worth it!  If you have any good recipes (or unusual foods to pair with it!), let me know!

Breaking News – the US Government is Inefficient

What?? The government wastes money???  That can't be true!!!

 

A report from the Government Accountability Office, released on Tuesday, compiles a list of redundant federal programs. This seems to be a sort of I-told-you-so moment that everyone who feels the government is bad at what it does can shout about from the rooftops, but come on; does anyone think the government is a model of efficiency? If so, Mr. Obama, you can just go about your business.  Normal people such as you or I most likely see this report as a blueprint for trimming government waste and cutting spending to reduce the deficit. For instance:

The GAO found 82 federal programs aimed at improving teacher quality – I wonder how terrible our schools would be if we only had 37?

56 federal programs exist to help people understand finances – that certainly paid off with the recent rash of “I didn’t understand what an adjustable rate mortgage was so now I can’t pay my mortgage and it’s not my fault!!!”

A big winner are the 18 federal programs that spent a total of $62.5 billion in 2008 on food and nutrition assistance – how many different programs do we have spending how much money to make Americans less fat???

The Food and Drug Administration makes sure that chicken eggs are "safe, wholesome, and properly labeled" while a division of the Department of Agriculture "is responsible for the safety of eggs processed into egg products." I’m glad that the Department of Ag is responsible for the egg products; I just don’t trust the FDA for anything other than whole eggs.

Really, though, of great concern to me is not necessarily that so many different programs exist towards the same end, but rather how duplicative they are and whether we are wasting money by running them all separately. Fortunately for us, the report also addresses this, specifically regarding the 82 programs intended to improve teacher quality - "many have their own separate administrative processes." Hmmm. . .sounds like we might be able to save a little bit of dough by consolidating the administration and getting rid of all the extra administrators.

I do wonder, honestly, how much money we could save by cutting out the extraneous waste, or how much more effective these programs could be if they didn’t just repeat what some other program is also doing? I’m all for smaller government (cutting out the waste), but at the very least, couldn’t we have more effective government (yes, I realize this is somewhat of an oxymoron, but bear with me here)? I’d like to save the taxpayers money by eliminating the multitude of redundant programs, but let’s say that you are addicted to government spending (hypothetically speaking, I’d have to assume you are a Democrat) – if we must spend the money, don’t we owe it to ourselves and whatever cause towards which we are spending the money to get the most bang for our buck?  Surely paying multiple administrators to administer essentially the same project is unacceptable. 

Some politicians, though, will probably see this report as what the federal government truly can accomplish – employment. After all, why hire just one guy to do a job when you can hire another 10 or 12 to do the same job? And while that was a joke, it is, I fear, why most of the reforms that pretty much just punch you in the face with obviousness will not be made. Most elected officials who attempt to address this issue will balk at making any tough decisions that are to the detriment of their constituents – “with all of this redundancy, we can get rid of three of these four guys, so let’s keep my guy.” But of course, the other politician wants to keep his guy, as do all of the other politicians, and the resulting compromise will be that everyone keeps his job and stay employed (see the redundancy?).

Although I’m sure we are all alarmed by the revelation that the government wastes money, it does make me wonder exactly how much money they spent (wasted?) trying to figure out how much money they waste (something we all know about) by doing stuff they already do.