Sunday, December 12, 2010

The expedient "Brett Favre probe"

I would like to first point out that the "Brett Favre probe" I am talking about is not actually Brett Favre's penis; I am talking about the investigation into the pictures of his penis (and accompanying texts) that he sent to Jenn Sterger, which made for a pretty cut-and-dry case of sexual harassment.  Now, at the time that all of this came out, Roger Goodell promised that the investigation into the alleged misconduct would proceed quickly, and if a punishment was warranted, he would dish it out accordingly.  Of course, at the time that this all came out, I was curious to see how strict Goodell would be with Favre, since he's practically the poster boy for the NFL.  I figured that the "quick" "investigation" would not have official results until (sheerly coincidentally) the end of the season, and then Favre would be suspended for X number of games (keep in mind I'm a Steelers fan who thought Roethlisberger got hosed), but wait, Favre is retiring, so his suspension won't mean anything!

Well, not surprisingly, according to USA Today, "NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is now reviewing the league's investigation into alleged misconduct by Minnesota Vikings QB Brett Favre."  What an amazingly quick investigation!!  Favre only met with NFL security in October; at this pace, we should have some kind of verdict just after the Super Bowl!!!

It's all a bunch of hooey anyways, though, because Goodell just wants to show how serious he takes these offenses against women so that women everywhere can see how much the NFL loves them, so they should start watching football regularly!  Why do you think everyone in the NFL wore pink in October???

China and 18 other countries boycotting the Nobel Peace Prize ceremony

Eighteen more countries refuse to attend Nobel peace prize ceremony

• China 'arm-twisting' to persuade diplomats to stay away
• But 44 countries will be at event to honour Liu Xiaobo

from the Guardian:

My question is, do people actually care about the Nobel Peace Prize anymore?  I was pretty sure that after Obama won it last year (pretty much just because he isn't George W. Bush), it had "awarded" itself into irrelevancy.  I know that the Chinese are only protesting for political reasons, but since last year proved that the Nobel Peace Prize is just a political instrument, I can't say as I blame them.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Wikileaks releases Barack Obama's OFFICIAL birth certificate!!

It looks like Julian Assaaaaaaaaanggge actually released something that some Americans have wanted the world to see:

Fresh from the State of Hawai'i

Now be honest; whether you are liberal or conservative, you wanted to know what was on the other side of that link!

The Walking Dead is rocking my world!

If you haven’t been watching The Walking Dead (an AMC Original!), you seriously need to start.  In fact, AMC is running a marathon of all of season 1’s episodes (all six, baby!) this coming Sunday.  Even if you’ve been watching already, you should probably still record it, since season 2 won’t air until OCTOBER!!!  You’ll need something to get you by in the lean months.  Really, go set the DVR now.  I’ll wait.

OK, now that that’s taken care of, you might be asking, “why is The Billy Blog so concerned with me watching The Walking Dead,” and “why is Matt pointing a gun at me until I set the DVR???”  Well, let me answer the second question first: you could be a zombie already, and until you demonstrate higher mental functions, such as programming the DVR, I may have to blast your zombie hide.  Actually, I’ll be aiming for the head, but if you’ve been watching The Walking Dead, you’d know that, too! 

For those of you who haven’t yet started watching The Walking Dead, a quick synopsis: our hero, a sheriff's deputy, gets shot in the line of duty, slips into a coma, and when he wakes up, he finds himself all alone in post-zombie apocalypse Georgia  (think 28 Days Later without the British accent).  Of course, he has to come to grips with the end of the world, find his family, and weather out the storm as best as one can when it’s raining flesh eating undead.

So why does The Billy Blog concern itself with trivial matters like zombieism?  First: you never know.  Second: it is vindication of my life’s body of work!  The Walking Dead serves as a weekly reminder of how I have unintentionally been preparing for the zombie apocalypse all of my life!  As I watch Rick, the protagonist, I find myself critiquing his actions and decisions, and noting his mistakes.  Honestly, I’m pitting myself against the zombie apocalypse vicariously. 

As it turns out, my extensive video game background has given me a decided advantage over most “ordinary” people when it comes to scavenging or looting a room.  That’s my number one criticism of Rick; when the end of the world happens, I will rob you blind.  Actually, I won’t steal anything; if you’re still alive, then you’re welcome to it, but if you’re dead or undead, it’s all mine.  The same goes for fuel in cars – they always drive by cars that are parked in parking lots and driveways and such.  I guess their assumption is that those cars have no fuel left in the tank (otherwise the owner would have gotten the hell out of Dodge!), but there I am, with a hose and gas can in one hand, a shotgun in the other, siphoning every last drop from every last car!  I might even take the chance to upgrade, if I can find the keys!

My video game experience also aids in killing zombies!  Aside from the requisite firearms skill necessary to actually hit what you’re aiming at (yet another thing I’ve been working on my whole life!), to kill zombies, you need to know where to shoot.  Police training and hunter training teach you to aim at the center of mass, which gives the combined advantage of a bigger target and maximal stopping power.  Zombies, however, require headshots.  Coincidentally, most video games award more points for a more difficult shot (like headshots!), thus training this generation of overachievers to a tactically less effective tendency (when dealing with non-zombies) to get the high score.

Well, it looks like explanation of how my gaming skills will help in the impending zombie apocalypse is already taking over this post; I’ll have to follow-up with another post detailing the other ways in which I have inadvertently been preparing for the ultimate showdown with the undead, as well as a zombie survival guide.  In the meantime, here is one last teaser to get you to watch The Walking Dead:

I just hope Entertainment Weekly doesn’t sue me.  They shouldn't; I aim for the head.